hate myself.
I destroyed everything I love.
It's all gone.
I had a promise she'd be back.
But, then I destroyed that, too.
Now there is nothing I can do to guarantee her return.
I don't think she'll ever come back to me.
what reason does she have to?
I'm worthless.
I bring nothing to the table.
I just wish there was.
I swear I'd do anything to get you back.
Just one last time.
If only I could get my one more chance.
I promise it would be worth it.
If not, you can leave, walk away again.
And I won't say a word.
I'm THAT confident in myself.
I'm that confident that I could make you happy if you came back.
I've done so much wrong, I don't see how you could forgive me.
I can't even forgive myself.
I will die without you one day.
You'll just never know it.
Last night was by far the most difficult night of my life.
To the point I ended up in the hospital.
And, I caught a glimpse of what I did to you.
I'm sorry.
Promise fulfilled.
I haven't smiled for real since you left.
Except, when I saw you walk across that stage.
Even with the pain, the in and out of awareness, the pressure.
I smiled for real, even if only for a minute.
I will never be anything without you.
I'm sorry it seems like I change my views so much.
I just can't think without you.
Now you're moving further away from me.
More reason for you to not come back.
It's like everything I love is just slipping away.
It is.
I've truly lost EVERYTHING.
I miss you so much.
Please, beautiful, come back to me.
This ring belongs on your finger.
You and me, we belong together.
I'm sorry I did so many things to make you think otherwise.
I just want to sleep and never wake up.
Or wake up from this nightmare.
I wish this was just one long nightmare I'd eventually wake up from.
And it'd be back in late 2008.
Before I said that one hurtful thing.
I would go out and buy that ring immediately.
And in front of everyone, approved or not.
I'd have asked for your hand right as you blew out the candles and made your wish.
I'd kill for your return.
But, I don't think it'll ever happen.
Please, show me I'm wrong.
I swear to God I'd do whatever it takes.
Anything.
Everything.
I NEED YOU TARA SINEAD MALAUGH SINCLAIR!

A pictures worth a thousand words.
But, not worth the words I need to hear.
I miss you so much that it hurts.
And tonight, I wish you were here with me.
So I could make you see.
The stars, they lay across the sky so perfectly.
They remind me of all the times,
When we used to sit underneath them.
Those summer nights and fall in love.

Its not alright, it's our last night together.
I won't give up, I can't let go, of you.
I can't let go of you.

And tonight, I close my eyes and dream that she is still the one,
Laying there beside me.
I'd walk a thousand miles.
I'd swim across the sea.
What do I have to do, please just tell me.

Please Tara, don't leave me.
Think of all the good times we've had.
Think of everything good I have given you.
Think of everything I could be.
I swear I'm everything you've ever asked for now.
Come back to me beautiful.

You are the sweetest girl in the universe.
The most beautiful.
The smartest.
The funniest.
The cutest.
The nicest.
The warmest.
The most amazing girl I have ever known.
You said it yourself.
We WERE deserving of each other.
Let's change that WERE back into ARE.
Please?
I'll do anything.
I love you so much.
I'm sorry.
This one won't change.
These are my final feelings.
These will no turn like other times.
This is how I feel.
Straight up.
No crossing sides.
No split personality.
I need you.
I love you.
I'd kill to have my chance.
I am that boy you always wanted.
Come back to me.
I'll do whatever is necessary.
I love you to death, Tara.

Like that homeless man's poem.
I'd surely die for something.
That something.
Is YOU.

Current Location: alone
Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: who cares

I don't believe that everything you've know about me is gone, forever.
And I won't forget the days that we spent, forever.
It haunts me.


Why did I have to fuck up?
I'll never get to enter your arms again.
I seriously hate myself.
I hate my life.
Fuck me.

Current Location: darkest of dark places
Current Mood: Regretful
Current Music: Silence and tears

I really fucked up.
Now, I'll never get to be with you again.
You can have this ring.
Just let me know, and it's yours.

Current Mood: Regretful

I'm leaving.
11:50 AM Tomorrow.
I'm gone.
I've lost everything here.
I have no reason to stay.

I've come to the realization that our plans, are gone.
You're going to FIU now, and possibly staying in a dorm.
I'll never be able to fall asleep with you, for 2 years now.
I can't bring you to prom.
Then, to add to it, you talk about going off to after parties, without me, as well.
We planned to go to UF and stay in an apartment together, the two of us.
That's changed, too.
Everything has changed, for the worse.
My whole life plan with you, is entirely gone.

What happened to going to the same college and trying to take as many of the same classes together?
What happened to renting a hotel room, or staying out on the beach?
What happened to our apartment together?
What happened to our plans?

I want them back, too.
I can't do two years without sleeping next to you.
I can't not hang out with you on Prom night.
I can't share an apartment with anyone, or not be in one with you at all.
I want things back.
I want to pretend this last month never happened.
I HATE this month.
I HATE IT!

The worst part is, I promised you I'd leave you be about it.
So, I'm stuck here, 7 in the morning, unable to sleep.
65 hours awake. Still going.
All I can think about is you.
The plans we had.
The plans no lost; gone forever.
I won't get them back.
If, I even get you back.
I seriously have prayed the last 3 nights, that you'd come back by Monday.
I pray so much, that this weekend will be enough.
I don't think I can last any longer than that.
I'm at the edge of breaking.
I'm falling apart at the seams.
I'm a mess.
I'm a god damn piece of work.
I don't know what to do.
I need you.
I need your hugs.
I need your kisses.
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up.
I need you love.
I need to know everything will work out between us.
I need to know I'll have you.
I need to know, that I'll get my life back.
Because, I lost my life almost a month ago.
I've been dying to get it back ever since.
I love you.

I know you asked me to sleep tonight.
I did try.
I tried very hard.
I just can't.
My mind is constantly racing with thoughts of you.
Thoughts of us, and whether I'll get my life back.
I love you to death.
I know you know it somewhere.
And, I know you love me, too.
Please, Dear God, let these next two days be enough.
I beg of you.
I need her.

Current Location: My Room
Current Mood: numb
Current Music: Complete Silence

So, today wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
While still not the greatest, not the worst.
I really do hope you come back after this weekend.
You have no idea how hard I'm going to have to work to do this.
How painful and hard it is going to be for me to do this weekend.
It is going to really kill me and break me down.
Let it work.
Oh, God, please let it work.
Let it be enough.
That'll be 7 days total to yourself entirely.
That should be enough, right?
I'm really trying now.
This is going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Let it work.
I don't think I can go any longer than this weekend.
This is going to tear me apart.

I've got the following already planned for us.
I'd like to start Monday, if you would come back.
One of the was to be Sunday, but, I can't expect you to come back any sooner than Monday, so I'll do without it.
I have:

A bunch of Shows, including:
-Emery
-This Providence
-Boys Like Girls
-The Offspring
-Blink 182
-Fall Out Boy
-All-American Rejects
-Incubus
-Watch Out! Theres Ghosts
-Plain White T's
-The Dangerous Summer

Places Like:
-Key West
-Ice Skating
-Beach (day and night)
-Full-Out Picnic
-Zoo
-Movies
-Park
-AquaGolf
-Laser Quest (Regular or All-Nighter since we always wanted to do one)
-Canoeing

Things Like:
-Cuddling
-Holding Hands
-Talking
-Laughing
-Smiling
-Kissing
-Hugging
-Sleeping
-Peacefulness
-Love

They're all awaiting your return.
Let this weekend be long enough.
I'm breaking down here.
This is my last effort I have in me.
I'm working so hard to stay true to it.
It's going to hurt, and it will kill me.
But, it's what you want, and it's what I'll do.

"It's just who we are, baby, we've come too far to start over now.
I know what you're thinking, I'm not always easy to be around.
But, I do love you.
You keep me believing, that you love me, too.
And I know it's true.
This love drives us crazy, but nobody's walking away.
So, I guess we'll have to do it the hard way."


I love you.
Let it be long enough.
Pretty please?
I'm struggling, but staying true.

Current Location: My Room
Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: ADTR - Have Faith In Me

So, it's been 23 days since you've left.
I'm not getting any better, as you can tell.
I did a lot of things wrong these past 23 days.
I should not have threatened you the way I did.
That really set my chances basically at none.
I don't know if I still have any chance with you.
But, if I do, I'd like to know.
I'd like to know what I need to do, to ensure you'll be back.
You promised me you'd be back.
You did, you promised.
So, I'll just sit here, and let you live your life.

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

How can you miss me and love me more, if I don't leave you be?
So, I guess, I'll leave you alone.
I'm sorry for being so needy.
I'm sorry for being so desperate.
If you want to be alone, then I'll let you be alone.
While I'd rather you do the adult and proper thing, and work this out together.
If this is what you want, then so be it.
But, you did promise you'd come back.
So, you will come back, right?

I love you.
I'll have warm hugs and wet kisses waiting for you when you get back.
I will shower you with love.
<3 I miss you.

Current Location: My Room
Current Mood: distressed
Current Music: Keith Urban - Your Everything

So, what to say?
Things aren't getting any better for me, they seem to just get worse.
Half the time I feel dead inside, the other half I feel like I wish I was dead.
So I got locked out of my dad's apartment today because I forgot my key.
I had to sit out in the cold for 3 hours until he could get back from Key Largo.
I found myself sitting there, numb, without a care in the world.
I didn't care if I got sick.
I found myself thinking it'd be for the better if I caught pneumonia.
Maybe I'd get rushed to the hospital and either they'd mend my broken heart for me,
or maybe I'd get lucky and just wash away into a coma, where I'd sleep through this hell
and awake when life was glorious, or just fade away. I didn't care.
I waited outside for you today. I knew you weren't coming, but I waited anyway.
I miss you. I know you know it.
Maybe my birthday gift will be you back in my arms.
But, I could never be so lucky. =/

"It's been 3 whole days since I've had sleep,
Cause I dream of his lips on your cheek.
And I got the point that I should leave you alone,
But we both know that I'm not that strong.
And I miss the lips that made me fly."

Current Location: my room
Current Mood: confused
Current Music: silence